Is Positive Polly Perfect?
I’d say we’ve got pretty familiar with toxic positivity in our culture today. It makes sense that it’d be a hot topic, because somewhere deep in us we crave real, raw connection with others. As I’ve been thinking more about this topic, another layer has come up for me though. It’s related to toxic positivity but I’d like to call it “Toxic Perfectionism.” You know the thing we do by choosing to continue to show ourselves, lives and relationships as “perfect.”
It is pretty easy to live life this way I think. Social media and entertainment are definitely good at setting us up for it. Before we know it we’re caught up in a cycle of feeling like we need to be perfect, and continually viewing others as being perfect. This can show up in so many different big or subtle ways in our lives.
Maybe it’s when someone asks you how you’re doing and you say good, when really you’re crumbling inside.
Maybe it’s how you post a cute picture on Instagram with a funny caption, but really you’re feeling so empty and dull.
Maybe it’s how you work to portray your relationship as being lovely and fun on the outside, but really on the inside you fight constantly and are facing really difficult days.
Maybe it’s how you get up to give an encouraging message to others, when on the inside you’re completely entangled in things that are weighing you down.
If we live in a culture of perfectionism there is no space for us to struggle and fall. If my mindset is I have to be perfect in order to be right with God, to have a good life, to be loved, etc. Then I will constantly be in this battle of beating myself up, thinking I’m not good enough and never will be. We will constantly feel like we have to cover up and shun away parts of ourselves.
We are not asked to be perfect and when we only show our lives as being perfect it is actually a hindrance - not only to others but really also to ourselves.
A SHORT EXERCISE: If you choose, take a moment to pause here and take a deep breath.
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Can you picture yourself as a kid? What is that like? How are you with yourself? Just be with yourself for a moment.
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What came up for you?
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Maybe now you are prone to say things to yourself like “stop doing that,” “you’ve got to be better,” “you messed up again, what a surprise.” I want you to imagine speaking these things over the kid version of you. That sure doesn’t feel so good.
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For me when I do this I’m reminded of how harsh I can be on myself. I wouldn’t want to speak the things I often tell myself on a daily basis over a growing, learning, innocent child. Hopefully, you wouldn’t either!
My point here is - what if we got curious about our “stuff” or “junk.” What if instead of immediately shunning away our imperfections we actually bravely sat with them and gave them space?
Because the parts of ourselves we can’t be with or the parts we shun away - will continue to show up in our lives in some form.
My life is not always “good” and I am CERTAINLY not always “good.” But that is the beautiful thing about grace and life - it is not defined by my level of goodness or perfection it is simply a gift to receive. My shortcomings, failures, and mess ups can make me wildly more thankful for grace and space.
Don’t let toxic perfectionism continue to be a hindrance to you or someone else in your life! We can be brave, gentle, and curious.
P.S. Perhaps, when you start to feel and hear the familiar pressure of perfectionism you can practice seeing through a lens of curiosity and space instead.
much love,
kims
